I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet.

I've realized more and more lately that I am not happy in the slightest with who I am. I feel like there is so much I still have to improve on, drastic changes. It makes me sad and sick at the same time. I mean I'm me, and I'm always going to be me, so why can't I just be happy with that? I know where all my problems stemmed from, and that part of my life is over, so why can't I move past it? I just want to be enough for someone, but I will never be enough for someone if I'm not happy with myself first. It's just so hard and I feel like there is no happy medium. Will I always feel awkward and not comfortable in my own skin? I know that I am looking in all the wrong places. I need to rely on myself for my happiness. I need to not be so down on myself, but I can't help it, because honestly I don't see anything worthwhile or special in me, and deep down i feel like it's just a matter of time before everyone that means anything to me realizes that they don't need me and that they can do so much better. I just have a fear of people leaving, because that's generally how it works. I turn around and blame the abandonment on myself and think that it's something wrong with me. When in reality I just need to be happy with myself, continue to be a good person and work hard for all the things I want in life. But at the end of the day I still feel incredibly lonely and that there is so much room for improvement. Tomorrow I am starting my physical change towards happiness. I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I am cutting out all fast food. I am going to try my hardest to only drink water. I am only going to eat when I am hungry and I am going to try my best to exercise everyday. It seems like a really stupid reason, but part of the reason I am doing this is to prove to people that I am worth more than just that chubby girl. I want people to talk about me and comment about how much better I look. I really hope this helps with a bit of my insecurity. It may seem shallow, but I hope it gets me more attention too. I'm really going to try hard to be more comfortable with myself and not put the blame for everything on my shoulders. I need drastic change in my life before all this pressure and feeling of not being enough consume me. I wish I could just listen to myself and do what I know would fix this. But for right now I don't want to give up, I still have hope, no matter how dumb i know it is, that this could still work out. But I can't wait forever. I need to be stronger than this, I am stronger than this. You can do it.