& my weakness is, that i care too much

I'll just come out and say it, I'm depressed. My life is heading nowhere and it seems like when I get a step ahead, it is not long before life is forcing me two steps back. I feel worthless and like my efforts go unnoticed. I'm trying my hardest, and I'm failing. I worked so hard to get to the point where I was okay, and I was truly so happy, and now here I am back at square one. Everything has fallen apart, and I feel like I am in far too deep to fix it. I'm getting walked over and I feel like no one cares. I don't understand what more I can give. I don't understand why I am just never good enough. I know I am a good person, and I try my best to show people how much I care by giving and it has never failed to come back and bite me in the ass. I'm always a second choice and I'm so sick of it. I need to become the type of person who puts themselves first, and it's not me at all, but I have come to the point where I don't have any other options. I'm tired of being walked on, and not appreciated for my efforts. So honestly, from now on, if it doesn't benefit me, then to hell with it. I hate that I have to change who I am, but I can't keep feeling like this. It's not helping, and I don't know any other way to fix it. From here on out, it's all about me, and a few select people who have always been there for me/ supported me. There's a lot that I don't understand, but I'm truly baffled at the fact that the people who have the biggest hearts, who care the most and are down right amazing people are always the ones who get fucked over or lack the experiences they so greatly deserve. Why? Why must these people have to resort to turning into heartless bitches in order to get what they deserve? Why must they hurt and suffer the most? Why can they give everything they have, and continue to give until they have nothing left and they still come second? It's sad to me, and I wonder just how much I have to do or how far I have to go until I can get what I feel like I have deserved for a long time. I guess that's how life is, but if you ask me it's pretty damn unfair.

my long lost best friend

Today started out terrible to be quite honest. I woke up feeling upset from the night before. I had sworn I would be done with you. You left the worst taste in my mouth and I had had enough. But of course he infected my dreams, and I woke up feeling nostalgic and missing him more than ever. I kind of brushed it off and tried to move on with my day, but it was apparent that the day was going to suck. I didn't feel productive at all. Then out of nowhere I received a text from him. My heart could not stop racing, I hesitated to say anything back, but I caved. We started to talk, and ironically we have more in common. We are both in a rut in our lives and just looking for happiness. I asked him to hang and to my surprise he said yes. We just drove around and talked about what we felt and to be totally honest, I have never been that comfortable before. I talked to him like a real friend, I wasn't scared to say anything or tell him anything and it was nice. He asked me if it was okay if we were friends, and I told him that that is all I have ever wanted. So long story short, he and I decided to be friends and not strangers. To hang out and be close and talk. He told me that he doesn't find me texting him all the time clingy. It makes me scared though, because I know how he has been in the past, but he seems like he wants to change so bad. He regrets being an asshole and says that now that is how everyone views him. I'm honestly stupid for letting him back in and thinking that anything will change, but I still need him in my life, and if he makes an effort, then so will I. But if this turns out to be like all the other times before, I really will need to make up my mind about how much he truly means. God, I am such a sucker, but I still have faith in this kid, and if he is now gonna be a real friend, I am not about to give that up. I still need you.

It's sad when you have a dream where everything in it is too good to be true. It makes reality seem like a disappointment.

I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet.

I've realized more and more lately that I am not happy in the slightest with who I am. I feel like there is so much I still have to improve on, drastic changes. It makes me sad and sick at the same time. I mean I'm me, and I'm always going to be me, so why can't I just be happy with that? I know where all my problems stemmed from, and that part of my life is over, so why can't I move past it? I just want to be enough for someone, but I will never be enough for someone if I'm not happy with myself first. It's just so hard and I feel like there is no happy medium. Will I always feel awkward and not comfortable in my own skin? I know that I am looking in all the wrong places. I need to rely on myself for my happiness. I need to not be so down on myself, but I can't help it, because honestly I don't see anything worthwhile or special in me, and deep down i feel like it's just a matter of time before everyone that means anything to me realizes that they don't need me and that they can do so much better. I just have a fear of people leaving, because that's generally how it works. I turn around and blame the abandonment on myself and think that it's something wrong with me. When in reality I just need to be happy with myself, continue to be a good person and work hard for all the things I want in life. But at the end of the day I still feel incredibly lonely and that there is so much room for improvement. Tomorrow I am starting my physical change towards happiness. I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. I am cutting out all fast food. I am going to try my hardest to only drink water. I am only going to eat when I am hungry and I am going to try my best to exercise everyday. It seems like a really stupid reason, but part of the reason I am doing this is to prove to people that I am worth more than just that chubby girl. I want people to talk about me and comment about how much better I look. I really hope this helps with a bit of my insecurity. It may seem shallow, but I hope it gets me more attention too. I'm really going to try hard to be more comfortable with myself and not put the blame for everything on my shoulders. I need drastic change in my life before all this pressure and feeling of not being enough consume me. I wish I could just listen to myself and do what I know would fix this. But for right now I don't want to give up, I still have hope, no matter how dumb i know it is, that this could still work out. But I can't wait forever. I need to be stronger than this, I am stronger than this. You can do it.

wanting to start fresh

It's been brought to my attention by more than one person lately that I am, well... a downer. This generally wouldn't be something that really bothered me, but the person who pointed it out is someone who I unfortunately care a lot about, and even though I shouldn't really care what the fuck he thinks, I do. I really want to contest and say that I am certainly not a downer, but when I step back and really evaluate myself, I am a downer, and a pessimist. What the hell happened? Just a few short months ago, I thought I had changed for good, I was finally happy with where I was at in life and I really tried to look at things positively. But lately all I can seem to do is bitch or complain about something. I don't want to be like this, I want to fix this. I have been really trying to go back and find the reason why I am so negative and why I am so full of doubt. For my whole life I have been second best, or not good enough, and I think it has done some permanent damage to how I view my life. Things have never really gone the way I want them to, even when I have hoped, and prayed and done all in my power to make them work, and I guess in a sense at some point I just got tired of trying and constantly failing, and that is where I think I just settled for being treated second best. I never give myself enough credit, or really believe in myself for that matter, and to be honest, that makes me really sad. At the end of the day, I only really have myself, and if I can't even be happy for myself and tell myself that I can do it, then why would anyone waste their time proving to me that I am? I guess I just assume that I will always fail, I will never mean enough, I will always be the less important choice and obviously it really shows. "Attitude is everything" That is a quote I live by...so why am I having a negative attitude about my life? I desperately need to make major changes and sort out my priorities. Here is where I have a problem, I always make goals for myself and I really do have good advice on what I need to do to get back on my feet and start fresh. What I know I need to do is refresh the people in my life, I need to get rid of the people that are bringing me down, or at least put a hiatus on them being an influence on me until I am stable enough to have them there again. See I give people the benefit of the doubt, and really think they have changed, when in all reality they end up using me for what they want and then dropping me until they need me again. It's pretty sad that I can't just learn. But I really am over feeling sorry for myself, or thinking that the world is out to get me. I need to have faith in more people and truly trust people, until they give me a reason not to. I need to be positive and give myself more credit. I need to not assume that people will not be interested in me because I'm not the typical girl. I really do have a lot to offer, but if I have all of these insecurities, no one is going to want me or my baggage. I just want a fresh start.  New views, New, supportive people and eventually and ultimately a new me. You can do this.

sheltered

I'd like to think that I work hard for the things I want most in my life, but sometimes I truly feel like I am not doing enough, or there is so much more I should be doing. I have friends who are my age who have full-time jobs, who have bought their own cars, who have their associates degree, who live on their own and don't depend on their parents for everything. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that my parents support me, but I feel like a leech because I'm not supporting myself at nineteen. At what age are you supposed to be out on your own, have a dependable job, pay bills, go to school full time and not rely on your parents for anything? I try to imagine myself doing that, and all I see is my life savings drop to zero in a matter of days. I love all my parents have done for me up to this point, but have they been to easy on me? I just don't know at what age I will be able to tackle a job, while going to school. I have no idea when I will finally move out of my house and pay rent. I hate feeling this way. I don't like to talk to my friends about my car, or bills...because how responsible does that sound? "Yeah...I don't have a car payment, I don't have to pay for my phone bill, or my gas.""Oh, Why? Because my parents pay for all of it." I just feel like how can anyone take me seriously or see that I am going anywhere in life if I am still being fully supported. I look up to my friends who can do it, and have been doing it since they have been sixteen. You truly have done yourself a favor for the future. I hope one day I can get there. Where I have the motivation to push myself to the limit and not always depend on someone to take care of me.

starting out-day 1

So, I think a lot. Might as well start a blog right?
Thanks to Taylor for motivating me to start this, and your idea is what inspired me to write :] so thank you!

Day 1 - Introduction
Day 2 - Your First Love
Day 3 - Your Parents
Day 4 - Your Siblings
Day 5 -Your Best Friend
Day 6 - Your Husband/Boyfriend

Day 7 -Your definition on Love
Day 8 - A moment
Day 9 - Your Beliefs
Day 10 - What you Wore Today
Day 11 -What you Ate Today
Day 12 - What's in Your Bag?

Day 13 - This Week
Day 14 -An Embarrassing Moment
Day 15 - Your Dreams
Day 16 - Your First Kiss
Day 17 - Your Favorite Memory
Day 18 - Your Favorite Birthday
Day 19 - Something you Regret

Day 20 - This Month
Day 21 - Something that upsets you
Day 22 - Something that makes you feel better
Day 23 - Something that makes you cry

Day 24- Something that makes you angry 
Day 25 - A First
Day 26 - Your Fears
Day 27 - Your Favorite Place

Day 28 - Something that you Miss

Day 29 - Your Aspirations
Day 30 - One Last Moment

Introduction:

Well I suppose I should start out with the basics. My full name is Katharine Esther Rodgers, but I have gone by Kate since the day I came into this world. I despise my middle name, and so does everyone else, even though my mother (and father and everyone related to me) thinks it is a very beautiful name. I am 18 years old and even though that is a very young age, I feel like I am growing old entirely too fast. Maybe it's because deep, deep down I realize that if i don't take care of my diabetes, I'm going to have an extremely short life. I have been a type 1 diabetic since I was two and a half, it's been an extreme burden and I honestly wish I was motivated to take care of it and myself, but I'm just so sick of it that I push it to the back of my mind. Even though being diabetic is a negative aspect of my life, it has taught me many things and brought me truly amazing people. I have naturally curly reddish brown hair and blue/green eyes. I am only five feet tall, it's kind of small, but i try to embrace my height, i like being petite. I live in Sandy and I live at home while I attend college in Salt Lake at the University of Utah. I have two parents, one older brother, one younger sister and two daschunds, Charlie and Lola.

I'm your average teenager, I like to do normal teenager things. I hate the winter time, but I honestly love to go snowboarding. During the summer I enjoy camping, hiking and boating. If I could go boating every day, I would. Tubing and wake boarding are honestly the best things to do to waste your summer. I love hanging out with my friends and having a good time. In my free time I love to text, read and listen to music. I usually don't take anything very seriously and I love to make people laugh. I dunno, I'm not hard to get along with and I think that once people get to know me, they won't regret it :]