& my weakness is, that i care too much

I'll just come out and say it, I'm depressed. My life is heading nowhere and it seems like when I get a step ahead, it is not long before life is forcing me two steps back. I feel worthless and like my efforts go unnoticed. I'm trying my hardest, and I'm failing. I worked so hard to get to the point where I was okay, and I was truly so happy, and now here I am back at square one. Everything has fallen apart, and I feel like I am in far too deep to fix it. I'm getting walked over and I feel like no one cares. I don't understand what more I can give. I don't understand why I am just never good enough. I know I am a good person, and I try my best to show people how much I care by giving and it has never failed to come back and bite me in the ass. I'm always a second choice and I'm so sick of it. I need to become the type of person who puts themselves first, and it's not me at all, but I have come to the point where I don't have any other options. I'm tired of being walked on, and not appreciated for my efforts. So honestly, from now on, if it doesn't benefit me, then to hell with it. I hate that I have to change who I am, but I can't keep feeling like this. It's not helping, and I don't know any other way to fix it. From here on out, it's all about me, and a few select people who have always been there for me/ supported me. There's a lot that I don't understand, but I'm truly baffled at the fact that the people who have the biggest hearts, who care the most and are down right amazing people are always the ones who get fucked over or lack the experiences they so greatly deserve. Why? Why must these people have to resort to turning into heartless bitches in order to get what they deserve? Why must they hurt and suffer the most? Why can they give everything they have, and continue to give until they have nothing left and they still come second? It's sad to me, and I wonder just how much I have to do or how far I have to go until I can get what I feel like I have deserved for a long time. I guess that's how life is, but if you ask me it's pretty damn unfair.

my long lost best friend

Today started out terrible to be quite honest. I woke up feeling upset from the night before. I had sworn I would be done with you. You left the worst taste in my mouth and I had had enough. But of course he infected my dreams, and I woke up feeling nostalgic and missing him more than ever. I kind of brushed it off and tried to move on with my day, but it was apparent that the day was going to suck. I didn't feel productive at all. Then out of nowhere I received a text from him. My heart could not stop racing, I hesitated to say anything back, but I caved. We started to talk, and ironically we have more in common. We are both in a rut in our lives and just looking for happiness. I asked him to hang and to my surprise he said yes. We just drove around and talked about what we felt and to be totally honest, I have never been that comfortable before. I talked to him like a real friend, I wasn't scared to say anything or tell him anything and it was nice. He asked me if it was okay if we were friends, and I told him that that is all I have ever wanted. So long story short, he and I decided to be friends and not strangers. To hang out and be close and talk. He told me that he doesn't find me texting him all the time clingy. It makes me scared though, because I know how he has been in the past, but he seems like he wants to change so bad. He regrets being an asshole and says that now that is how everyone views him. I'm honestly stupid for letting him back in and thinking that anything will change, but I still need him in my life, and if he makes an effort, then so will I. But if this turns out to be like all the other times before, I really will need to make up my mind about how much he truly means. God, I am such a sucker, but I still have faith in this kid, and if he is now gonna be a real friend, I am not about to give that up. I still need you.